Becoming one with the pole

Cross stripper off my list of backup careers.  I mean, you probably could have crossed it off years ago for many different reasons.  But now it’s official – I will never be a stripper.

Why? Well, I realized something during my first time “on the pole” yesterday – it’s hard.  Like, really hard.  And awkward.  Really, really awkward.  Especially in a room full of people that you don’t know.

And the “money shot”?  My hips are definitely not flexible enough for that.  And while I thought that I was strong (ish.  For a girl.), my my arms and abs aren’t strong enough to hold me up for any length of time, let alone do any fancy variation on it.

This life altering realization comes courtesy of LivingSocial (don’t they all?).  I’d heard that pole dancing classes were fun and a good workout (both true), so when I saw a deal for 5 classes at Zack’s Dance Loft, a local NYC place, I bought it (to go to by myself.  Because nothing says good times like a stripper pole and 20 strangers).  That was 3 or 4 months ago.  It took me forever to schedule it after I realized that the schedule offered by the studio kind of sucked (and that you had to take the classes on the same day and time five weeks in a row, which meant that I had to find five weeks in a row where I didn’t already have something scheduled).  I even got to email back and forth with Zack himself!

My first impressions of the “dance loft” were interesting, to say the least (although honestly, I’m not really sure what I expected of a studio that was teaching pole dancing).  I walked in at the end of the previous class, so the music was loud.  It was hard to hear the guy behind the fully-stocked bar (I guess for bachelorette parties?  I feel like getting drunk and swinging around a pole is a recipe for disaster – and a huge mess). Since he was the only guy there, I can only assume that he was Zack.  Zack (sadly, he looked nothing like my teen idol, Zach Morris) told me that I could change behind the not-so-private curtain in the back – “It’s cleaner than the bathroom, and it’s all girls here.”  Thankfully, I had already changed at work (I did kind of have to pee, but after that glowing recommendation of the bathroom, I decided I could be a big girl and hold it for an hour).  One point for me.  I took off my sweats and shoes and waited for class to begin.

Our instructor was a petite little thing, perky, and super strong and flexible.  I was really curious to ask if she was a actual stripper (but thought that would be rude, so I refrained.  Maybe next time.).   She got us “on the pole” right off the bat for some warm ups, which included squats and pushups (stupid me had already gone to the gym that morning for an arm workout.  D’oh!).

After warming up, it was time to get down to the meat of it – some moves on the pole.  She taught us how to do a basic spin around the pole, a spin on your foot where you don’t leave the ground at all, and the money shot.  And of course, how to walk and get up all sexy-like (a task that I’m pretty sure I failed miserably at every time).

Here’s what I actually learned:

1. The basic spin is terrifying.  You walk around the pole once (all sexy-like: right hand on the pole, left hip dropped down, left hand on hip) to get some momentum and then basically fall forward.  Your right hand stays on the pole the whole time (which causes you to spin as you hurtle toward the floor), and as you fall into it, your left hand is supposed to grab the pole and push away, your left leg is supposed to make contact with the pole and your right leg just kind of swings along behind you for the ride. All this is supposed to happen within about a second as you’re spinning around.  Easy peasy.  When you get to the ground (no matter how you get there, or how un-elegant you look getting there), you then have to get up.  And not just by standing straight up –  by booty-popping or hip rocking up.
2. Doing any type of spinning on your foot on a wood floor is so much easier if you’re wearing socks or stripper heels.  I don’t own any stripper heels (but our instructor did – lucite platforms, about 6 inches or so), so my pink socks were the way to go.  And doing a bunch of spins in a row makes you dizzy (duh).
3. The money shot (where you lift both legs up off the ground in a V and hold yourself about a foot or so off the ground) is awkward.  The way that you have to use your arms to lift yourself up is just unnatural.  And doing it in front of a mirror with about a dozen other girls of various shapes and sizes doing the same in front of the same mirror is frightening.
4. Everything is harder on the left side (or I guess on the right side if you’re lefty).
5. No matter what, you’ve got to sell it.  If a move doesn’t go as planned, just smile and look sexy and sell it.  If you fall on your ass, smile, get up sexy, and sell it.  There's probably a life lesson that I should learn here somewhere.
6. I lack the ability to make anything look sexy – not walking, not spinning, not getting up, not falling down, nothing.  Especially not in baby blue adidas shorts, a pink and grey workout top, pink socks (at least I matched – that was a happy accident!) and big scab on one knee and a bruise on the other (courtesy of totally biting it on a run last weekend). I technically knew this already, it was just reconfirmed during class.

All in all, it was a fun experience.  And I’m excited to go back  (every Wednesday at 7p.m. for the next 4 weeks).  Perhaps more time on the pole will be good for me.